One year ago tonight it was EASTER.
I called my Mom's home and my youngest brother answered the phone.
I said "Hi!
and he replied, Hi.
Then he said, "I will get mom for you."
I said, "WAIT! How are you and your family?"
He stated, "Good."
I asked, "Everything okay?
He stated, "Great! Been working on the house."
I said, "Cool. You and your family are such a blessing to be there with Mom. I wish I could do more to help."
He gave me a funny snort and said, "Yea."
I had to tell him again for the millionth time, "I love you Carl."
He replied, "Yeah I know."
I wanted him to really know so I said, "NO I REALLY LOVE YOU LOTS!"
He stated, "Yeah I know you always say it."
I said asked, "What?"
He replied, "That you have loved me enough to last forever."
I said very matter of factually, "I really mean it you know!?"
He said. "I know Sis. I love you too."
It was the last time I ever got to talk to him.
Just about 31 hours later he was gone.
Depression affects everyone at least once during their lifetime.
I have been suffering it too.
I have never felt so low.
I have heard the words your going to have a baby when it was a blessing and a trial.
I have heard the words I love you from a tiny child's lips.
I have heard the words from my tiny little brother, Are you my real mommy?
I have heard the Cops say did you murder your grand pa?
I have heard the word cancer used with my name.
I have heard the call telling me my daddy is dead.
I have heard the the doctors say sorry your baby is gone.
I have heard the words I do not love you any more from the one that I thought held my heart.
Last year I got the call from my second youngest brother.
Sis?
Yeah
Carl's dead.
Waawahat? Huuh? How?
They don't know but it looks like he shot himself.
I thought NO WAY! I just talked to him a day ago. NO WAY.
Then Blessed be the Lord. Hold me up Lord I can not handle this with out you.
My knees gave out.
The sweet little guy that had us all wrapped around his finger even before he was born. The little guy that I was the first person in this world to touch. It created a bond slightly more special then I had with my other brothers. Getting to be present for a birth and getting to cut the cord, Getting to be that first touch out side the womb.
I am not sure why I am posting this other then I have been struggling to come to terms with him being gone a year and have not been able to post on here.
Not that I have not been writing. The family is working on a book that is going to be published in a matter of days. But it is easy stuff and takes my mind away from my grief.
Life and love continues though and the brother that called to tell my about the youngest death is now expecting a second child with his wife.
I am please and grateful. Everyone of my siblings and Mom seem to be moving on and I seem to be having trouble and the tears come daily, sometimes hourly.
Ever been tired of crying.
I told my self I would stop after a year. I am not sure I am going to be able to though.
My brothers widow and daughter are moving on as best they can. New relationships for the widow and my niece still wants her daddy but he is becoming a faded memory because she is only 3.
The police ruled it a an accidental self inflicted gun shot wound because my brother was left handed and his gun was in his right hand and extended at an hard to reach angle. He was also drunk, stoned and a bit stupid with the invincible garbage at the age of 27.
The Coroner said it was suicide.
My Mother said someone else had been in the house when the gunshot happened. She heard someone come before, talk and visit with Carl and go after but thought the gunshot was Carl dropping a tool from the ladder he was working.
She never told the police or any of my other siblings apparently.
She also told me of a phone call she had heard earlier in the evening when my brothers wife thought she was alone that she never shared with the police.
I have held on to this all for a year and finally have to write it down so I can move on.
Can I move on?
Can I just hang on and go forward?
I pray my block will be gone now.
I pray for my niece and family.
I pray for anyone reading this to be blessed and know they are not alone.
I ask and pray that you will pray for me.
Blessings HHC
I called my Mom's home and my youngest brother answered the phone.
I said "Hi!
and he replied, Hi.
Then he said, "I will get mom for you."
I said, "WAIT! How are you and your family?"
He stated, "Good."
I asked, "Everything okay?
He stated, "Great! Been working on the house."
I said, "Cool. You and your family are such a blessing to be there with Mom. I wish I could do more to help."
He gave me a funny snort and said, "Yea."
I had to tell him again for the millionth time, "I love you Carl."
He replied, "Yeah I know."
I wanted him to really know so I said, "NO I REALLY LOVE YOU LOTS!"
He stated, "Yeah I know you always say it."
I said asked, "What?"
He replied, "That you have loved me enough to last forever."
I said very matter of factually, "I really mean it you know!?"
He said. "I know Sis. I love you too."
It was the last time I ever got to talk to him.
Just about 31 hours later he was gone.
Depression affects everyone at least once during their lifetime.
I have been suffering it too.
I have never felt so low.
I have heard the words your going to have a baby when it was a blessing and a trial.
I have heard the words I love you from a tiny child's lips.
I have heard the words from my tiny little brother, Are you my real mommy?
I have heard the Cops say did you murder your grand pa?
I have heard the word cancer used with my name.
I have heard the call telling me my daddy is dead.
I have heard the the doctors say sorry your baby is gone.
I have heard the words I do not love you any more from the one that I thought held my heart.
Last year I got the call from my second youngest brother.
Sis?
Yeah
Carl's dead.
Waawahat? Huuh? How?
They don't know but it looks like he shot himself.
I thought NO WAY! I just talked to him a day ago. NO WAY.
Then Blessed be the Lord. Hold me up Lord I can not handle this with out you.
My knees gave out.
The sweet little guy that had us all wrapped around his finger even before he was born. The little guy that I was the first person in this world to touch. It created a bond slightly more special then I had with my other brothers. Getting to be present for a birth and getting to cut the cord, Getting to be that first touch out side the womb.
I am not sure why I am posting this other then I have been struggling to come to terms with him being gone a year and have not been able to post on here.
Not that I have not been writing. The family is working on a book that is going to be published in a matter of days. But it is easy stuff and takes my mind away from my grief.
Life and love continues though and the brother that called to tell my about the youngest death is now expecting a second child with his wife.
I am please and grateful. Everyone of my siblings and Mom seem to be moving on and I seem to be having trouble and the tears come daily, sometimes hourly.
Ever been tired of crying.
I told my self I would stop after a year. I am not sure I am going to be able to though.
My brothers widow and daughter are moving on as best they can. New relationships for the widow and my niece still wants her daddy but he is becoming a faded memory because she is only 3.
The police ruled it a an accidental self inflicted gun shot wound because my brother was left handed and his gun was in his right hand and extended at an hard to reach angle. He was also drunk, stoned and a bit stupid with the invincible garbage at the age of 27.
The Coroner said it was suicide.
My Mother said someone else had been in the house when the gunshot happened. She heard someone come before, talk and visit with Carl and go after but thought the gunshot was Carl dropping a tool from the ladder he was working.
She never told the police or any of my other siblings apparently.
She also told me of a phone call she had heard earlier in the evening when my brothers wife thought she was alone that she never shared with the police.
I have held on to this all for a year and finally have to write it down so I can move on.
Can I move on?
Can I just hang on and go forward?
I pray my block will be gone now.
I pray for my niece and family.
I pray for anyone reading this to be blessed and know they are not alone.
I ask and pray that you will pray for me.
Blessings HHC
